A little help and advice or suggestions please.

[Twpchair]

@MudFire_Dex @kristen Before I get started is this site completely private like our Forum?

[Twpchair]

@kristen,  my first time posting and don’t mind the spelling I riding shotgun to Tennessee. If this is the wrong place to post this please @kristen please move it for me! Thank you. I am going to try and keep this short but it weighs so heavy on my heart. I am straight and married my youngest son is a gay and my pride and joy, my bestie is a lesbian so I am the type of person if you are a good person I do not care, hold judgement and in fact I believe everyone should be able to love who they want. Everyone deserves that special someone. I live in rural central Michigan in farm town USA and this stuff isn’t talked about or discussed period. I don’t like that at all and haven’t for a long time. Yesterday a dear customer since my 1st day open came in and I have known her daughter since 5/6 years old? They were in every Wednesday never missed one. I knew she was gay (the daughter) Amanda just a beautiful soul inside and out. She worked for me 2 summers going to college. She hung herself last night ugh! I lost it and couldn’t stopped balling for so many bottled up reasons. One this was so unnecessary and we talked so opening when she worked for me she had zero place to go! A small community or not I want her voice heard, her heart heard. Mom said “oh she’s just a tomboy” and still demanded nothing be mentioned at her funeral. I would never disrespect Amanda like that and her gf is beyond herself and just stayed with me all day as they have no place to go, to turn to NOTHING! I wanted to do a benefit in her honor and her gf asked if she could let this community and the whole world know who she truly was. I love that idea. I already know I will loose business over this and I am comfortable enough that I am ok with that. Right is right and wrong is wrong. This young soul had her

Whole world ahead of her and this is the least I can do. Is there any other suggestion, comments, advice on what or how to do this? I’ve done a dozen benefits before but not like this I want this one to shine like Amanda and I don’t care who is offended, this girl needed to be heard. Thank you all so much in advance. @MudFire_Dex this is what I was trying to pm you but traveling and typing didn’t work out so hot. 

[SSB_YVR]

This was so incredibly heart breaking to read. I can't imagine what Amanda was going through.
I hope her GF is ok and she has the support she needs at the moment.

I don't have any suggestions for you, but I just wanted to send you my deepest sympathies, remember to look after yourself.

Sending you massive amounts of love.

[Twpchair]

Thank you, and she is lost and no where to turn really as her family has disowned her. She has called me all day as I am traveling and just informed she can’t attend the funeral as it would draw attention! Smdh. I told once I am back you gather all your friend and we will go to the cemetery and do our own and afterwords come back to the store it will be closed and celebrate her life and let her know how much she was loved. But I shouldn’t have to do this in the dark of the night and how many more Amanda’s are there in our little sheltered town?

[MudFire_Dex]

This poor person - please encourage her to reach out to a professional - and to Trevor project - she's in extreme risk right now. Denying her the ability to grieve is so sad. I responded above and DM'd. 

[Twpchair]

•  She is staying with us for as long as needed and my husband isn't the most sensitive man but he does like her and texted and they were out fishing on the boat and came home and ate and had a shot together for her. They are watching old Eddie Murphy for some laughs. He's watching her close and their friend showed up and staying a few days at the house. I agree she shouldn't be alone. Just having others around helps to keep you from thinking or overthinking. 

[MudFire_Dex]

That's good - lemme know if you have any questions about my post above and now you'll have my direct contact info from the DM just in case.

[SSB_YVR]

As a gay man, it warms my heart to see allies like you.
You are a star in the "dark of night", I truly hope you know that.

One thing that just popped into my mind, considering your close relationship to, Amanda, what about if you set up a "Amanda's Corner"? Just a small spot in your shop (Which is beautiful btw) with a chair, a side table with a honor candle, a plaque dedicated to her memory and some support contacts? Like The Trevor Project?

[Twpchair]

That's a great idea! Thank you! She was a huge fan of reading books and, as an English teacher, pushed the importance of reading. She set up a book box out on the porch: all free, take as many as you want, just return the favor. Our customers were either dropping off or getting a couple for themselves.

[kristen]

Hi @Twpchair - this group and its posts are behind community login, meaning customers and non customers cannot see these posts unless they are a part of this group. That being said, I encourage you to use trigger warnings and we even have a little "Insert a spoiler tag" button on the editor here that can hide part of your post if it may have triggering content. Let me know if you have any followup questions!

[Twpchair]

I definitely will! I have been scrolling and reading all the post I can. 

[tatert0t]

You are very kind. Having non-gay allies like you is so important. I like that you are being supportive of her GF and friends. It's also important that you take care of yourself and have some people who will be supportive of you.

I hope all goes well from here.

[Twpchair]

Thank you!❤️ My whole family is extremely supportive of all of them   They all went to school together. 

[MudFire_Dex]

Hi @Twpchair -first let me give you public support and thanks because not everyone will put business on the line nor cross personal relationships to do what is right. I personally know that more than most - having spent a long time in the shadows and not even letting people know who I was let alone be myself in business.


Yes, you may lose business. We've lost business sometimes too - but have gained it back in spades. You are right - this is a human issue, not a gay issue. It takes people like you - straight business owners - to stand up to create change.

We have a waitlist of over a year and nearly 1200 people. Our community of members is vibrant, diverse, has lots of people from the LGBTQ+ community and people who will come if we have a potluck celebrating pride and we are able to be a safe space for so many. I have had many members break down in tears saying MudFire is the only place they can be themselves. I think that is so important for us all to remember as business owners. A smile, kind welcoming space, a space to just be is sometimes all there is between life and death. Saying that isn't even dramatic.

We also have those who quit over me hanging a pride flag or that we have Secret Queer Pottery Club stickers. If they love your products - they'll button up their own pride and ignorance and shop with you regardless, and if they don't rest easy without their money.

I have some thoughts to protect you and your business, and your son. 

* partner with a local LGBTQ+ bookstore or non-profit for ideas about the venue/type of event, etc - LGBTQ+ Resource Hub - Equality Michigan might be a good place to start. Let your son take a leadership role if he wants to help or Amanda's girlfriend so that you are building trust in/with the event. This may also help if you need non-violent practices or de-escalation for any ne'er-do-wells wanting to do harm at your event.

* Consider personalizing your connection with Amanda and your store like you did to me in the post above - It humanizes Amanda, and yourself as a business owner - I am sure if you did a FB event or newsletter that many will remember her having shopped with you and they will have their own connection to her and connections to the LGBTQ+ community and would want to do the right thing and help out. 

Let me know if you have specific questions - DM'ing you my personal email. Hug your son extra tight- encourage him to talk to a counselor and and Amanda's gf too - it is compounded stress over and over especially in more rural areas where options and places to turn feel limited. The Trevor project runs a hotline if anyone needs extra support. The Trevor Project - Suicide Prevention for LGBTQ+ Young People

[Twpchair]

I will look into all that! Thank you. As far as business goes so many customers just adored Amanda and imo shouldn't change but I know it will for some. My son is a trooper and if anyone can't put on event that's amazing is Dan. They went to school together since k-12 Th grade. The difference was Amanda was quieter and shy and Dan was the basketball point guard and quarterback so their social levels were 100% opposite.. I'm gone for 5 days and then home. I told Jenn she works for Pepsi for years and if you need to get away hop on the plan and I will get you in Nashville and ride home with me or my parents. I promise she wont be left alone and will get the support and love she needs. 

[Twpchair]

I refuse to put political signs in front of our business or from a young age my dad told me in business stay away from politics and religion. I told him about Amanda on the way down and he said you don't have to do this but you need to do this. Someone has to speak up and bring awareness to this.  No matter how rural you are their are others like her keeping this inside and they need to know someone is listening and someone does care. My business has been going strong for 14 yrs from starting at our pole down to a downtown 12k building. If I offend some people well honestly that's ok if it saves 1 person or gets 1 person to reach out. That's more important than someone who is living in the 1890s. One of my employees is gay (James) and he wants to do a 10% off discount day just like Wednesday senior citizens day is 10% off everything. Let the community know it's ok and all people are welcome in my store. 

[MudFire_Dex]

For me, political isn't a choice, it's my life and the lives of my community, my customers, and my staff. I used to think business was neutral ground but now I have a desire to create safety and protection for my LGTBQ+ staff (10 out of 20) and countless members. Outside our front door, ok to be gay on a sign, pride flag hanging at our back door, flags on the walkway, and stickers and signs on the counter. We also display suicide hotline posters in the bathroom and a helpline sticker at the counter.  

Sometimes folks getting uncomfortable is part of creating change 🌈💓

[Twpchair]

I would love to have pamphlets at the counter. I do display the flag on our front door and to tell you how rural we are I am in one of the largest Amish communities in Michigan I have to or I chose to post we are Amish friendly. They don't accept or won't wait on them in most stores. So me doing what I am is either going to open some eyes or blackball us. What they don't know is 90% of our business is not from this town but bigger cities. Our lady customer just love James if they knew that would be a love/hate relationship. All of this means nothing to me and I know what I feel is right to do is the least I can do. Besides that may be there are more businesses like myself but are afraid to speak up and promote and encourage ALL shoppers are welcome! I post we are a pet-friendly store that's how bad our old downtown district “fathers” are all roughly 80ish smh. So, it's time for me to stand up be her voice, and do what's right. I have the largest and only retail furniture store in town and I keep prices reasonable with the addition of a 2nd location added of an upcycled, repurposed store. I love our town just not so much the elders who believe it is there way or no way. Until they pay my bills and my taxes then I will fly, post, and celebrate anything I want. 

[Twpchair]

Thank you all so much for your support, advice, and encouragement. The memorial was impressive! So many people showed up from friends and her former teachers, current boss, and loads of customers who all loved her. She had so many friends and people who loved her. She loved to read, and I did a corner in the store called Amanda’s Corner. I have just added a book exchange to it. Her gf gave me four huge boxes to start with, along with some literature. I also met one of her close friends, James, and we hit it off instantly—just a beautiful person with a wicked sense of humor who can instantly put on the charm. I was watching him at the memorial with our customers.

I knew right away he would be a perfect fit for our store of misfits 😆 I have been needing to hire again, and my son told me he was going to college and working, but hated his job because of who he is and couldn't be himself. I told my son that by the end of the night, I would offer him a job where he could be himself and have fun, mix and mingle with the customers, and help them pick that perfect couch. I talked with him about the position and pay, reviewed the customer service and cashier positions, and, more so, how I wanted our store to be. The best of the '70s and '80s is always playing, welcome our customers, and tell them if they need anything at all, please let us know, enjoy taking it all in, and if there are any questions, there are 4 of us here at all times. I don't like and despise businesses like ABC Warehouse (sorry) but eight vultures standing at the door ready to pounce as you walk in to pick out your furniture they are trying to force down you. We're a fun, upbeat store, and I love hearing a group of ladies walking around singing to the music. Long story short (I apologize), he started 2 days later, and for the first time, someone was just hired and fit right in without that little awkwardness, if that makes sense? On the first day of work, he asked me if we could talk at any time. He tells me that he has to be open and tells me he is gay 😉 I said Really (I knew this the night of the memorial) I said you see that guy in the back getting on the forklift he's an ex-con hire but ssssh don't tell no one. 😆 I said, James, you are a good person with a ton of energy and a personality like no other. I don't judge you by who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. I go with my gut feeling first, and then the “norms” of hiring past experiences, references, availability, pay, and hours available or school schedule. He said after 2 days he's never felt so welcomed and finally has a job he feels comfortable at. 1 hire down and 1 more to go! I have always encouraged my son never to lose who he is, or hide it. You do you and be happy and know that I love you and will always support you in anything and everything you do. He has made me so proud and a successful young man who has the perfect partner. I want to thank you all for letting me vent, opening up my eyes, and just sharing a tough time in my life already. Then this happens. I think Amanda would be happy with our misfits of the best group of people that I could ask for.