Hey y'all :)

[MudFire_Dex]

We've recently had a difficult interaction with a long-time customer over pronoun usage in our space - have y'all had this issue pop up with customers or staff in your spaces? We handled our conversation via email and in person and the customer was just dead set on mis-gendering several employees and myself. She otherwise has been a loving and respectful 10 year customer and it was a really tough conversation to have because she just was unwilling to acknowledge the harm she created for trans and non-binary staff in our space. 

[TheDogLady]

I'm speaking as someone in my 60's so I'm assuming I'm in a different generation from you and your employees.

I've learned over the years that someone's misidentification of me does not define me. I am a Secular Jewish Cis-gendered Progressive Lesbian, along with I am sure a number of other identifying words and phrases. People have assumed I'm African-American, a man (short hair, jeans), straight, speaking for the entirety of Jewish people, and especially recently, missing half my brain cells because I am older. None of those are true but we all generalize. At some point, the best thing for my mental health with each of this mis-identifications has been to move on and take care of myself. If I can, I try and see the good in each person who has been less than informed in their behavior with me.

You can continue to make a big deal out of this and alienate a loyal customer, or you can be kind to her, model informed behavior without shaming her, and be a way for her to learn and grow. I have a feeling that the more you dig in your heels and insist she comply with your chosen pronouns, the more she will also dig in and refuse to change.

Unless she is being deliberately aggressively abusive in her statements, the harm this woman can do is only the amount of harm you and your staff let her do. However, if she is being abusive, I believe you are in your rights in any state, to refuse to serve her. If she forgets and has trouble remembering social rules that she did not grow up with (which I assume if she's a 30 year customer), well, that is going to be you some day. Be kind. It is not personal.

[MudFire_Dex]

She is a 10-year customer and said to me that it is a shame that I didn't figure out my 'gender problem' when I was younger - I am 46 because then I could have had more success with hormones and surgery (I never said I wanted either), and she specifically stated that it would be great to not have those big (I won't say the word but we all know what I mean) in my way. 

She additionally stated that if she knew me or anyone else as she - then she didn't have to use the correct pronoun if she referenced how she met us. There are 4 of us on staff so the harm isn't simply to me personally and weighed against customer history. 

I think it is an undue burden for all of the kindness to come from the business side and that the customer should also understand that being kind to me and my staff is equally important. 

Like I said, I didn't ask her to leave, nor did I become argumentative. I simply sent an email asking her to respect our collective choices and if she couldn't do that to use our names. Just wondering how other spaces have navigated this conversation. I respect your experiences above and without all of the anti-LGBTQ laws/bills/book bans etc I might feel differently but right now this is just a more painful reality than a few years ago.

[TheDogLady]

OMG, she sounds sooo clueless!

Is it possible, if she was that different and able to be respectful and loving in the past, that she is developing dementia? She does not seem capable of 'hearing' you or understanding what you are saying.

I am very sorry if I came across as being insensitive to your and your staff's feelings and need to be treated with respect. It was not my intention at ALL. She just does not sound like she has the capacity to understand what you are saying, to take it in and change her behavior. In fact, it almost sounds like the more you respond, the worse her own responses get. 

Are you able to stop engaging in the conversation? Just smile vaguely, say, "Mm Hmm....," if she starts up again, and ask if she would like to try the special. After all, it really is none of her business, not even a little bit!

I'm really serious about wondering if she has some cognitive issues, especially if this is new behavior from her.

At any rate, regardless of the reason, this woman sounds totally out of line. I'm really sorry you are all having to deal with it.